im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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