i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
