Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I am midnight drunk by noon
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
