i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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