There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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