i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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