he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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