god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
