hell yes lets make some ravioli
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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