I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's like heaven, but drunker
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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