I just threw up on my dentist
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
