I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
