My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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