I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
