I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
