Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
