Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
