Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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