the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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