i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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