I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
