dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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