Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
