she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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