you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
