End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
