So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
