this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
