Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
