i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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