i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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