What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the room spins SO much faster in panama
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
