I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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