My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
