I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
