i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
