I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
