i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
