You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
