The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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