I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
