Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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