I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
