Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
