The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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