if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
