You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
