Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
