I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
