Me too!
I just threw up on my dentist
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
