4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think people are normalizing furries
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
