I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
