i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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