After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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