i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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