just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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