I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
