Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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