okay pat passed out under dana's car
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
