I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
