Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
