this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
