He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
